#41 wrote a queer zine in Belfast that I really enjoyed, and we hung out when I was home for Easter. I had two friends staying with me for some of that time, a couple who were studying in Edinburgh, and I think #41 asked them at some point if they thought I’d be interested in her, or if they thought it’d be okay if she made a move, or whatever. (My memory may be a little blurry. Apologies if you are reading this and going THAT’S TOTALLY WRONG.)
I think it had been pretty clearly on the cards, but sometimes when that’s the case it’s really hard for me to just get on with it, a problem which continues to the present day. You sit around thinking you should make a move but totally failing. We finally kissed late at night at her place, after she’d kind of given me a massage. My friends had gone back to Edinburgh at this point and I had a few days left. I remember we went to an indie club together and I remember being in her bed and being pretty fucking useless. I mean it never really went anywhere and here are two reasons why.
One was that she was eight years older than me. This was really no big deal and we got on fine but I think I was a little intimidated because she had plenty more experience of being with women than I did. I mean, #37 had also had more experience but because she was my age it hadn’t felt quite so significant. The other thing was that I’d come out to my family some months earlier, which had been met with one fourth acceptance, one fourth hostility, and one half silence, and this was making me feel really weird, and seeing somebody when I was visiting my parents gave it an extra layer of awkward.
Basically my emotions were a bit messy around that time and maybe I wanted it to be something that it couldn’t really be. I remember trekking back to Edinburgh, a long long journey with a delayed ferry and having to shell out more money because I missed my train connection or whatever, and coming home to an empty flat which had been invaded by mice, and I’d just said goodbye to #41 and I sat down and cried on #44’s shoulder because I felt overwhelmed.