#180

I felt weird in the days leading up to my twenty-eighth birthday. Kind of disconnected. Kind of like I was waiting for something. Leonard was going to leave the country in less than a month and I wasn’t ready to think about that yet.

It was my first birthday since losing my mum. I hadn’t called my dad in about two weeks. I didn’t know what to say to him: “well, I’m fine, I’ve been getting drunk and doing stupid things.” I resolved to make lists of things that were safe to report to him. But when I called him, it would remind me that my mum wasn’t there any more, and then I’d feel sad to think about him all alone, and then I’d make it worse by avoiding calling him.

I got a new tattoo for her. I had minor surgery. I had a dream about #129 contacting me and being all friendly like nothing ever happened. I had a crush on someone which swiftly came to feel utterly pointless. Frequently, I got waves of wanting to cry. It was cold and dark most of the time. I went to meetings at work and there was this woman whose voice drove me crazy and I spent a lot of time thinking about how it sounded like cold soup being slowly poured down a drain.

On my birthday I went out for dinner with Leonard and #110, and then we went to Planet Out and finally wound up in CC’s because we’d had copious amounts of alcohol and no longer knew any better. I ran into #180, who I’d met a few nights previously at a party at #108’s place. We bonded a lot, and he stuck around all night so I figured my company must’ve been okay. I was all excited because I reckoned he was going to be my new friend. Then I made out with him when I was leaving, and couldn’t remember afterwards whether it was hot or just dutiful, I mean dutiful on his part, I mean because I was basically like “Let’s make out!”, and that was dumb. I think he’s actively avoided me ever since, so I guess that says it all. I really was behaving like the anti-suave lately, I noted, though I couldn’t remember enough to discern whether I’d been really obnoxious or whether I was just suffering the hangover of the soul.

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~ by Nine on 29 October 2009.

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